Archive for January, 2019

Wednesday 30th January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 30, 2019 by bishshat

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Don’t Let Me Down

The Beatles

Don’t let me down, don’t let me down
Don’t let me down, don’t let me down
Nobody ever loved me like she does
Oh, she does, yes, she does
And if somebody loved me like she do me
Oh, she do me, yes, she does
Don’t let me down, don’t let me down
Don’t let me down, don’t let me down
I’m in love for the first time
Don’t you know it’s gonna last
It’s a love that lasts forever
It’s a love that had no past (Seeking past)
Don’t let me down, don’t let me down
Don’t let me down, don’t let me down
And from the first time that she really done me
Oh, she done me, she done me good
I guess nobody ever really done me
Oh, she done me, she done me good
Don’t let me down, hey don’t let me down
Heeeee, don’t let me down
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me down, don’t let me let down
Can you dig it? Don’t let me down

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Stan and Ollie

Went to see Stan and Ollie today wonderful and very sad too. Had a blub

Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy made their first official appearance as a comedy pairing in 1927, in the silent short film Putting Pants on Philip, and soon developed an irresistible chemistry.

With Laurel playing the clumsy and innocent friend of pompous Hardy, their comedy slapstick saw them become two of the biggest stars in Hollywood.

But by 1953, when they embarked on their British tour, Laurel and Hardy were no longer the box-office giants they had once been.

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During their eight months in England, Scotland and Ireland, they often performed to half-empty theatres, with Hardy’s failing health a concern.

Stan & Ollie director Jon S Baird has described the film as a “love story about these two guys, who just happened to be Laurel and Hardy”.

John C Reilly, who plays Hardy, said: “It was naturally a very reflective time for them – they were looking back on their lives together.”

Philip Hutchinson – who works as an Oliver Hardy re-enactor, recreating the routines from the movies and music halls – said opinions on the tour were “really mixed”.

“The kids are still loving the shows, the critics are very split, the houses are sometimes full, sometimes not.

“Generally, the reviews tend to say they were still great but some of the routine and script wasn’t as strong as their previous work,” he said.

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Laurel and Hardy arriving at Northampton’s New Theatre for the start of the tour
Called Birds Of A Feather, the tour began in Northampton in October 1953, before visiting cities including Liverpool, Manchester and Birmingham.

In his weekly report, the theatre manager of Birmingham Hippodrome Bertie Adams wrote that Laurel and Hardy received “a very excellent reception”.

It seems the pair were not blind to their failure to pack out every venue, though.

As the tour continued, audience numbers began to rise
After a four-week run at the Nottingham Empire, Laurel wrote in a letter dated 19 January 1954 that show business in Britain was “not too good in general”.

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“They are all blaming the invasion of TV, which I don’t think has anything to do with it. There is a terrific amount of unemployed plus a lot of labour trouble – strikes, etc,” he wrote.

“Just a case of bad conditions in the country. The TV programs I’ve seen, would certainly drive people INTO a theatre – even to see a bad show! They are awful!”

The manager of the Birmingham Hippodrome in 1953 said Laurel and Hardy enjoyed an “excellent reception”
As the tour continued, audience numbers did begin to rise, but the fun came to an abrupt end on 17 May 1954.

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After performing a single night at the Palace Theatre in Plymouth, Hardy had a mild heart attack, forcing the duo to cancel their run in the city and the rest of the tour.

Hardy stayed at a local hotel to recover, while Laurel visited the theatre every night to support other acts, Hutchinson said.

A local newspaper review said despite Hardy’s obvious health issues on the night they performed, their “old cleverness and that delightful craziness is still there”.

In Dreams

Roy Orbison

A candy-colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
“Go to sleep. Everything is all right.”

I close my eyes, Then I drift away
Into the magic night. I softly say
A silent prayer like dreamers do.
Then I fall asleep to dream My dreams of you.

In dreams I walk with you. In dreams I talk to you.
In dreams you’re mine. All of the time we’re together
In dreams, In dreams.

But just before the dawn, I awake and find you gone.
I can’t help it, I can’t help it, if I cry.
I remember that you said goodbye.

It’s too bad that all these things, Can only happen in my dreams
Only in dreams In beautiful dreams.

Spurs 2 Watford 1

Spurs avoided another Premier League home defeat, as Son Heung-min and Fernando Llorente scored late on in their 2-1 win over Watford.
Son Heung-min and Fernando Llorente scored in the last 10 minutes to spare
Spurs blushes, securing a 2-1 win over Watford on Wednesday.

Mauricio Pochettino’s injury-hit side looked to be heading for a third successive home defeat in the Premier League after Craig Cathcart’s first-half goal, but Son – back from Asian Cup duty – levelled late on and then Llorente made amends after wasting several presentable chances earlier in the match.

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Straight back into the team after his period of absence, Son was the first to go close early on, but Watford grew into the contest and went ahead just before the break through Cathcart’s scrappy goal.

The wastefulness of Llorente – starting in place of the injured Harry Kane – looked as though it was going to cost Spurs, but Son restored parity and then the Spanish striker completed the turnaround on a dramatic night at Wembley.

Son looked sharp early on and almost opened the scoring in the ninth minute, his 25-yard strike agonisingly missing the top-left corner. Hugo Lloris did not cover himself in glory in the 38th minute, however, as his positioning was way off at a corner and Cathcart bundled home to beat the stranded Frenchman.

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Llorente was guilty of an inexplicable miss at the start of the second half, seeing his initial close-range shot saved, before somehow kneeing the rebound over from about three yards. Daryl Janmaat almost turned an Christian Eriksen free-kick into his own goal just past the hour, as Ben Foster made a crucial save, before Llorente then headed wide from close in as Toby Alderweireld chipped the ball back into the danger zone.
Spurs luck changed in the 80th minute, however, as Llorente nudged the ball on to Son in the area and the South Korean finished emphatically past Foster.

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Llorente then finally found his mark three minutes from the end, sending a looping header in from Danny Rose’s cross.

Tuesday 29th January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 29, 2019 by bishshat

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One More Arrow

Bernie Taupin, Elton John

He said I want to grow up
And look like Robert Mitchum
And I hope that when I’m gone
There’ll be some say that I miss him
He must have been romantic
He must have sensed adventure
And I feel the steel of his strong will
In the frame around his picture

And he’s one more arrow flying through the air
One more arrow landing in a shady spot somewhere
Where the days and nights blend into one
And he can always feel the sun
Through the soft brown earth that holds him
Forever always young

He could have been a boxer
But the fight game seemed so dirty
We argued once he knocked me down
And he cried when he thought he’d hurt me
Strictly from the old school
He was quiet about his pain
And if one in ten could be that brave
I would never hate again

One more arrow
One more arrow
One more arrow
Forever always young

ddwww

 

Monday 28th January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 28, 2019 by bishshat

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Sunday 27th January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 27, 2019 by bishshat

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Crystal Palace 2 Spurs O

Crystal Palace compounded a miserable week for Tottenham by knocking them out of the FA Cup with a fourth-round victory at Selhurst Park.

Connor Wickham set Palace on their way with his first goal in 799 days  before Andros Townsend haunted his former club by doubling the hosts’ lead from the penalty spot  after Kyle Walker-Peters’ inexcusable handball.

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Spurs were architects of their own downfall; Mauricio Pochettino left Christian Eriksen out of the squad and Kieran Trippier’s woeful missed penalty  left them with a mountain to climb without Harry Kane, Dele Alli and Heung-Min Son.

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The victory sees Palace secure their place in Monday’s fifth-round draw at the expense of Spurs, whose trophy hopes take another significant dent after Thursday’s Carabao Cup exit at Chelsea.

Saturday 26th January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 26, 2019 by bishshat

Ed’s Easy Diner owner converts its original Soho spot to Slim Chickens!

London’s restaurant scene is constantly in churn – with new restaurants replacing old. That’s the nature of the beast. But even we admit to being a bit surprised at our emotional reaction to the news yesterday that Soho classic Ed’s Easy Diner was no more.

The American diner on the corner of Old Compton Street and Moor Street has been taken over by another American import – Slim Chickens.

The diner first opened its doors back in 1987 when it was genuinely an exciting London opening. The neon sign, the retro diner fittings were all a big deal. And for almost 20 years that was it for owner Barry Margolis – there was slow growth with the opening of two more restaurants in London. But after Margolis’s death the business was put into trust and eventually sold to a company which did the now-traditional thing of trying to take the chain national. It boomed to almost 60 restaurants before crashing into administration.

Upon The Top Of Ben Nevis

John Keats

Read me a lesson, Muse, and speak it loud
Upon the top of Nevis, blind in mist!
I look into the chasms, and a shroud
Vapourous doth hide them, — just so much I wist
Mankind do know of hell; I look o’erhead,
And there is sullen mist, — even so much
Mankind can tell of heaven; mist is spread
Before the earth, beneath me, — even such,
Even so vague is man’s sight of himself!
Here are the craggy stones beneath my feet,–
Thus much I know that, a poor witless elf,
I tread on them, — that all my eye doth meet
Is mist and crag, not only on this height,
But in the world of thought and mental might!

rr

Staffa

John Keats

Not Aladdin magian
Ever such a work began;
Not the wizard of the Dee
Ever such a dream could see;
Not St. John, in Patmos’ Isle,
In the passion of his toil,
When he saw the churches seven,
Golden aisl’d, built up in heaven,
Gaz’d at such a rugged wonder.
As I stood its roofing under
Lo! I saw one sleeping there,
On the marble cold and bare.
While the surges wash’d his feet,
And his garments white did beat.
Drench’d about the sombre rocks,
On his neck his well-grown locks,
Lifted dry above the main,
Were upon the curl again.
‘What is this? and what art thou?’
Whisper’d I, and touch’d his brow;
‘What art thou? and what is this?’
Whisper’d I, and strove to kiss
The spirit’s hand, to wake his eyes;
Up he started in a trice:
‘I am Lycidas,’ said he,
‘Fam’d in funeral minstrely!
This was architectur’d thus
By the great Oceanus!–
Here his mighty waters play
Hollow organs all the day;
Here by turns his dolphins all,
Finny palmers great and small,
Come to pay devotion due–
Each a mouth of pearls must strew.
Many a mortal of these days,
Dares to pass our sacred ways,
Dares to touch audaciously
This Cathedral of the Sea!
I have been the pontiff-priest
Where the waters never rest,
Where a fledgy sea-bird choir
Soars for ever; holy fire
I have hid from mortal man;
Proteus is my Sacristan.
But the dulled eye of mortal
Hath pass’d beyond the rocky portal;
So for ever will I leave
Such a taint, and soon unweave
All the magic of the place.’
* * * * * *
So saying, with a Spirit’s glance
He dived!

La Belle Dame sans Merci

(The beautiful lady without mercy)

John Keats

“O WHAT can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has wither’d from the lake,
And no birds sing.

“O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms!
So haggard and so woe-begone?
The squirrel’s granary is full,
And the harvest’s done.

“I see a lily on thy brow
With anguish moist and fever-dew.
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
Fast withereth too.”

“I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful – a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.

“I made a garland for her head,
And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She look’d at me as she did love,
And made sweet moan.

“I set her on my pacing steed,
And nothing else saw all day long;
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
A faery’s song.

“She found me roots of relish sweet,
And honey wild and manna-dew;
And sure in language strange she said,
‘I love thee true.’

“She took me to her elfin grot,
And there she wept and sigh’d full sore;
And there I shut her wild, wild eyes
With kisses four.

“And there she lullèd me asleep,
And there I dream’d – ah! woe betide!
The latest dream I ever dream’d
On the cold hill’s side.

“I saw pale kings and princes too,
Pale warriors, death-pale were they all:
They cried, ‘La belle Dame sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!’

“I saw their starved lips in the gloam
With horrid warning gapèd wide,
And I awoke and found me here
On the cold hill’s side.

“And this is why I sojourn here
Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is wither’d from the lake,
And no birds sing.”

 

 

Friday 25th January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 25, 2019 by bishshat

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Thursday 24th January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 24, 2019 by bishshat

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The Circle on the Trees

I feel a real sadness
For these condemned trees hold such fine memories
Children played in them
Art was created with them
Poetry was spoken among them
Laughter rang about them
Songs were sang with them
Their canopy sheltered us from sun and rain
Their leaves were collected and used to pay for toasted marshmallows
And were also used as coins in imaginary shops
Crowns were created with them
Their dry fallen twigs kept us warm in the frost
They were castles and dens
They were hides for the seeking games
They reached high to the sky
To the young forest scholars they taught them much
Bugs were discovered and returned to their protection
They were our friends
I feel their lamentation
And I feel remorse in their passing
Each painted circle is a terrible brand that condemns a brother to the flame
My miserable take on the loss is not lifted by the thought of progress
For each tree that bears a mark is a wound to my aged heart

John Bish 27th January 2019

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Chelsea 2 Spurs 1 (4-2 penalties)

The first year that away goals don’t count in the League Cup semi final Spurs go and “win” on away goals and then get beat on penalties!

Eric Dier scored a massive penalty for England at the World Cup last summer. It was his kick from the spot that clinched victory for the Three Lions over Colombia in the Round of 16.  it was his kick from the spot that doomed Spurs in the League Cup semifinals. Spurs lost 2-1 on the night, and then were defeated on penalty kicks as Chelsea advanced to the final at their expense.

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Spurs conceded the first two goals on the evening, but they showed fight to respond and force the penalty shootout. Things might have been different had Spurs had a healthy squad.

Harry Kane is already out until March with an ankle injury, and then Dele Alli limped off against Fulham last weekend. Dele’s hamstring injury will also keep him out until March, and it meant Mauricio Pochettino was without two of his most important players for this crucial semifinal.

Thus, the Spurs team looked a bit like patchwork. Fernando Llorente started up front, while Moussa Sissoko returned from an injury to play with Harry Winks and Eric Dier in a three-man midfield. Serge Aurier and Ben Davies were the fullbacks chosen to play outside the two centerbacks: Jan Vertonghen and Toby Alderweireld. Paulo Gazzaniga once again took his place in goal for the League Cup.

A chippy start at Stamford Bridge briefly evoked memories of the infamous “Battle of the Bridge” from May of 2016. Dier picked up a few fouls and Spurs gave away some inconvenient free kicks. It was evident from the outset that Spurs would not be playing with the same type of attacking cohesion that they usually do. Pochettino’s team were doing next to nothing going forward.

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Then, the problems started to stack as Spurs became sloppy in possession. They conceded a needless corner in the 27th minute when Alderweireld couldn’t decide what to do with a slow, rolling cross. Gazzaniga had to clear the ball behind the goal, and Spurs were made to pay.

Chelsea’s ensuing corner came back out to N’Golo Kante, who made great contact to smash a ball through the bodies and into the net. Gazzaniga could’ve done a lot better, but he had little time to react. The move was started after a giveaway up the pitch by Llorente. The Spaniard struggled once again to have anything but a negative impact on the team.

The home side continued to push after the goal. Their play was noticeably more refined and incisive than what the depleted Spurs squad could offer. To make matters worse, Davies was then forced off with what looked like a groin injury. Danny Rose replaced him.

Stamford Bridge erupted again about seven minutes before the break. Chelsea made it two with a well-worked passing sequence that took advantage of some poor defensive positioning. Eden Hazard eventually slotted a cross home from the penalty spot.

Spurs had been in better position after the first leg, but now they found themselves against the ropes at halftime of the second leg. Their lead had turned into a deficit in just 38 minutes, and Chelsea had all the momentum.

Changes were needed. After the break, Dier dropped back to play as a third center-back. Spurs back four had been repeatedly exploited as their fullbacks couldn’t deal with the need to create width while also staying disciplined in defense.

Spurs immediately looked better in the new system, and it didn’t take long for them to find their equalizer, partially thanks to the freedom allowed by the new formation.

Rose found space in an advanced position down the left and was able to curve a cross to the six-yard box. Llorente redeemed himself as he stooped in between David Luiz and Emerson to head the ball past Kepa Arrizabalaga.

The Blues almost responded immediately. Olivier Giroud found himself bearing down on goal, but his shot was stopped by Gazzaniga.

Chelsea couldn’t find a third goal despite regaining control of the match. A few of their shots were put barely wide by Hazard, and some were wasted by others. On one occasion, Vertonghen had a sequence of last-ditch blocks that were the only thing stopping the home side from putting the ball in the net once again.

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New rules in this year’s Carabao Cup mean that there is no extra time. As things stood, the match was going to penalties.

Both teams went to their bench late on. Spurs brought on Lucas Moura for Llorente, as well as Davinson Sanchez for an injured Sissoko, which shifted Dier back into midfield. Chelsea replaced Pedro and Ross Barkley with Willian and Mateo Kovacic.

Maurizio Sarri’s team had the winner on the night, but no one could find the winner on aggregate. The tie went to penalty kicks after another period of Chelsea dominance at the end of regulation. Christian Eriksen was first up for Spurs, and he did his job. In fact, he made it look easy. Willian responded for the Blues.

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Erik Lamela tucked another penalty home, and then César Azpilicueta did the same to leave things even after two takers.

Dier’s time came, and his kick went over the bar, but Jorginho scored his after a little hop-step threw Gazzaniga off. Lucas compounded the failure with a weak kick that was saved by Arrizabalaga, and then David Luiz scored to clinch it for Chelsea.

Wednesday 23rd January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 23, 2019 by bishshat

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Tuesday 22nd January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 22, 2019 by bishshat

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Monday 21st January 2019

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on January 21, 2019 by bishshat

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Supersnout

I did a script reading with Second Thoughts a community theatre group based in Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire, UK.

Supersnout is a one-act 45 minute comedy (four-hander) about love and loyalty.

Jane CafarellaIf

Dogs can understand ‘sit’ and walkies’ it’s not too much of an extension of that to believe that they could perhaps understand more complex human conversations. Add to that the rather more absurd concept that a dog could be so annoyed by those conversations as well as by what it sees going on around it, that it might need to talk to us humans, and you have the rationale for this play.

Andre, a chihuahua, has lived with Julie and Tom since they were married six years ago. Julie is kind and loving to him whereas Tom grudgingly accepts his presence, so naturally Andre is much more friendly with her. When he sees Tom bringing a string of work colleagues and lady friends back to the house whilst Julie is at work, Andre is incensed at the betrayal of his mistress and, when Tom turns up with Gloria, who is both his secretary and his latest squeeze, it all becomes too much, and he is compelled to tell Julie.

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Tom’s boss has also taken an interest in his philandering and is about to blackmail Tom into keeping quiet about the embezzlement of company funds that they’re both involved in. The boss has a secretly filmed video of Tom and Gloria ‘working’ in the photocopying room late one night. Andre knows all about this too from speaking to the boss’s dog at a recent company barbecue.

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Still being in love with Tom, but unsure of her next step, Julie allows Andre to tell Tom that she knows, which he achieves by talking to Gloria at her next visit, and explaining the situation with the video and the embezzlement. She blurts this out to Tom, who doesn’t believe her at first but somehow she’s somehow found out a lot about his problems, and he resolves to get hold of that video to protect his position.

Finding out from more walkies conversations, Andre tells Julie that Tom’s boss has done a runner with fifteen million leaving Tom hung out to dry as an accessory, at which point Julie decides to divorce him, which is excellent news for Andre, who, once he’s that he knows an excellent divorce lawyer, used recently by the owner of a lady canine friend of his, cuddles up on her lap with a contented smile.

Tonight the group read through two plays it was very funny. I am not sure how r if I could remember the lines.

Auditions for SUPERSNOUT on Wednesday 6th February at 8.15 pm and Sunday 10th February at 8.30 pm

AUDITION PIECES
ANDRE & JULIE
A lounge-dining room with a couch and side-table centre stage. At stage left
there is a large dog bed, bowl, toys etc. At stage right, a dining-type table with
one chair. There is a landline phone on the table JULIE enters, carrying
groceries and handbag and keys. She is obviously in a hurry.
JULIE: (Dropping her keys.) Bloody hell!
She picks up the keys and struggles to the table with the groceries, calling out
as she peels off her coat and places it on the back of the chair.
JULIE: Andre! Andre! I’m home! Andre? You poor darling!
In bounds Andre, her dog – a normal actor, except with a dog’s nose and
whiskers painted on. He runs around the couch in excitement and rushes
over to her, jumping up, pawing her and trying to lick her face.
JULIE: (Patting him in greeting, and laughing) Down! Down!
She returns to the table and begins to unpack groceries.
ANDRE: (Agitated.) Where the hell have you been? I’m busting.
Julie stops dead, holding a can of dog food in mid air. She looks toward the
other door, which leads to the bedroom.
JULIE: Tom? Is that you?
Andre sits at her feet, wriggling with impatience.
ANDRE: Down here, stupid!
JULIE: (Looking around, puzzled.) Tom? (Calling off) I’m in the
kitchen!
ANDRE: So am I – down here! Hurry up! I’ve been waiting six hours to
pee.
JULIE: (Slowly, incredulously, Julie looks down and around. She calls
off again.) Tom? Is this a joke?
She looks under the table for a microphone.
ANDRE: (More agitated.) Jeez, and I thought you were the smart one. If I
piss on your leg, maybe you’ll get the message.
Slowly it dawns on Julie. She drops to her haunches until she is face to face
with Andre. She stares at him in disbelief.
ANDRE: Stop staring. You’re making me nervous.
JULIE: (Falling back in shock) You… you… you can talk!
Andre leaps back in shock, too, then with stares with sudden realisation.
ANDRE: You…you …can understand me?
They stare at each other in disbelief.
TOGETHER: It’s a miracle!
JULIE: It can’t be. Maybe I’m delusional? I’m hearing voices. I’m just
imagining my dog can talk. I’ve always wondered what you’d
say if you could talk. Maybe I want you to talk, so I am
imagining you can talk.
ANDRE: Maybe you could just shut up for a minute and let me out. I told
you – I’m busting.
JULIE: (Staring.) What did you say?
ANDRE: (Shouting.) Maybe you can imagine me pissing on the couch,
and then you’ll let me out?!
JULIE: (Thoughtfully, to herself.) My dog just asked me to let him out
for a pee – a perfectly reasonable request. I will let him out, and while he is
outside, I will pour myself a wine and sit on the couch. I will let him back
inside, drink my wine and the voices will go away.
ANDRE: Whatever! Open the bloody door!
Julie rises zombie-like, and opens the door. Andre exits quickly. Julie goes to
table and pours herself a wine. She sits heavily on the couch – dazed. She
pauses, and then skulls the drink. Andre returns, obviously relieved.
ANDRE: That’s better. Now, where were we?
He jumps on the couch, turns around three times and then settles with his
head on her lap.
ANDRE: So how was your day?
JULIE: (With disbelief.) You can talk!
ANDRE: (Exasperated.) I thought we’d established this? (Patiently,
patronisingly.) No, you can understand. I’ve been talking for years.
JULIE: You have?
ANDRE: Of course. You have no idea how frustrating it’s been trying to
train you.
JULIE: Train me?
ANDRE: Yeah, when to let me out, when and what to feed me, when to
take me for a walk…it’s taken years for you to just learn the basics. And
you’re the smart one. That other one – the fat one – he’s hopeless.
JULIE: Tom’s not fat.

AUDITION PIECES
TOM, GLORIA & ANDRE
The front door of the apartment (implied stage left) Sound of giggling from
Gloria and drunken “Shhhs…” from Tom. Tom fumbles with his keys. He is
carrying a bottle of champagne under his arm and his jacket over the other
arm.
TOM: Shit! Here, hold this. (He hands the bottle of champagne to Gloria.)
GLORIA: I feel a bit funny about this. What if she comes home?
TOM: She won’t. She’s out visiting her mother in the country. It’s just
me and the dog.
GLORIA: Well… okay, but it just doesn’t feel right.
TOM: (Lewdly squeezing her buttock.) It feels right to me.
GLORIA: (Giggling.) Ohh Tom! (Tom finally opens the door and they fall
through it together, laughing – obviously pissed. He dumps the keys on the
side table and throws his jacket on the couch.)
TOM: Hang on. Have to let the damned dog out for a wee.
(He takes the champagne from Gloria, kissing her in thanks, and then puts it
on table. He looks around and starts calling.) Andre! Come on you old
bastard, get outside.
ANDRE enters slowly, looks at TOM and growls.
GLORIA: (Uneasily.) He doesn’t look very friendly.
TOM: He’s okay – just old and grumpy. (He gives Andre a half kick, moving
him towards the door with his foot.) Get outside, you old mongrel.
Andre growls again and exits slowly. Tom starts looking for champagne
glasses, while Gloria sits awkwardly on the couch, looking around.
Andre comes back quickly – too quickly – and jumps on the couch beside her.
GLORIA: (Peering at Andre cautiously.) What kind of dog is he? He looks
so small.
TOM: (Opening champagne and filling glasses.) He’s a Chihuahua. A
Chihuahua with a prostate problem. All he ever does is wee.
Gloria pats Andre tentatively.
Andre wags his tail gratefully and nuzzles her hand.
GLORIA: He’s so tiny and adorable. What’s his name again?
TOM: Andre – after Andre the Giant.
GLORIA: That’s a strange name to give a dog.
TOM: It’s a joke.
Gloria looks blank.
GLORIA: Oh…I get it. Andre – It’s French isn’t it? Are Chihuahuas
French?
Andre lies down and puts his paws over his head in disgust.
GLORIA: Oh, look at him! He wants to go to sleep. He’s so cute!
TOM: Come on, sweetheart – enough of the damned dog.
(He hands her a champagne glass, skulls his own and leads her to couch,
pushing off Andre, who growls. Gloria and Tom fall on the couch, laughing,
and start fooling around. Andre jumps on the couch and sits on Julie’s side.
TOM: Hey, buddy – off!
ANDRE: Grrrr!
GLORIA: He doesn’t seem to like you.
TOM: He’s Julie’s dog. Come on! Off!
He tries to pick up Andre.
ANDRE: Grrrrrrrr
TOM: Off, ya fuckin’ weirdo!
He pushes him roughly to the ground. Andre yelps. Tom gets up, irritated.
TOM: Into bed!
He points to the dog bed.
Into bed!
Andre limps dramatically to his bed and starts licking his wounded leg.
GLORIA: Oh the poor little thing! You hurt him.
TOM: Not as much as I would have liked to.
GLORIA: That’s not very nice!
TOM: He’s not as cute as he looks.
Tom turns Gloria’s face towards him.
TOM: Now, we’re were we?
He falls upon her, kissing her passionately. They fall back on the couch
together.
The glorious Gloria. I’ve been waiting all day for this.
From his bed, Andre is heard howling.
TOM: Jeez, now what?
Tom tries to ignore it.
GLORIA: (Pushing Tom off.) Tom, stop! Stop! I can’t concentrate with the
dog howling.
TOM: (Ignoring her.) Who needs to concentrate?
GLORIA: (Pushing him off again.) Go see what he wants.
GLORIA: Please…
Tom gets up and goes over to Andre. Andre tries to dash out stage left – then
remembers to limp. TOM runs after him and shepherds him back to bed with
his foot.
TOM: Ya puny bastard! Back to bed!

“Wherefore Art Though, Lady MacBeth” by Margot McCleary
Audition extracts (these need not be learned for the auditions!):-

EXTRACT 1:
Juliet: “Bloody Norah! These flippin’ shoes! Evenin’ Mrs W.” (She takes them off, standing on one leq at a time,
massaging her toes. She pours herself a large drink in a mug, then downs it. Refills, half downs the second.
Wanders to the other dressing table). “l’ll kill that bloody dresser – I told ‘er size 6…An’ if someone doesn’t fix the
sound before the next Act…Oh, hello, (seeing Lady Macbeth) I haven’t seen you before. You on next door? Not at
the Main Theatre?!” (Juliet is impressed).
Lady Macbeth: “That’s right, we’re running late tonight. Got technical problems – same as you. ‘Macbeth’, actually.”
(Lady Macbeth seizes the dagger, and ‘acting’ now for Juliet’s benefit)
“Why did you bring these daggers from the place? They must lie there. Go carry them, and smear the sleepy grooms
with blood”.
Juliet: “Yuck! Ge’ roff! Not a comedy then, this ‘Macbeth’?… ls it Agatha Christie?”
Lady Macbeth: (giving up; a little witheringly)
“Not exac’ly. What’s on your side, at the Studio? (looking Juliet’s costume up and down). Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs?”
Juliet: (indignantly) ‘Romeo and Juliet’… actually (now ‘acting’).
“Deny thy father, and refuse thy name; Or if thou wilt not, be but my sworn love, and Juliet will no longer be a
Capulet.”
(They have moved about, crossing and re-crossing, each ‘acting’ with the other. They drain their drinks.)
Lady Macbeth: “All good stuff if you like that sort of thing. Don’t go much for Shakespeare me’self as a general rule –
it pays the electric I s’pose.”
Juliet: “I only know ‘Romeo and Juliet’ if l’m honest. I think we did another one at school – one where this geezer was
talkin’ to a skull. There was gravediggers in it, an’ a ghost, an’ a girl what went mad. An’ by the end of it everyone
was dead… Depressing, I thought .. ‘Nother drink?”
Lady Macbeth: “Yeah, all right … ‘Hamlet’.”
Juliet: (doing the drinks) “No thanks. I only smoke menthol.”
(Lady Macbeth casts Juliet a look. Juliet tops them both up and they drink).
Lady Macbeth: “How long is this interval anyway? l’m on in the next scene.”
Juliet: “Me too. lt’ll be a good half-hour while they sort out the technical. We’ll hear the bell.”
Lady Macbeth: (scrabbling through her make- up tin) “Here, have you got a dark red lipstick in that tray? This side’s
all sickly pink an’ an horrible orange colour…. An’ the cold cream’s disgusting… .” (Lady Macbeth crosses to Juliet)
Juliet: “Help yourself.”

EXTRACT 2
(Cleaner enters R, still with mop and bucket, clearly intending simply to cross R to L at the
back, nods, smiles. Juliet and Lady Macbeth look at each other, make the only possible choice.)
Lady Macbeth: (slowly and distinctly) “Mrs. Walinowski, l’m just wondering, could you possibly help us? Yer see,
we’ve done something rather daft, an’ gone and mixed ourselves up, an’ now we don’t know which side is ‘Macbeth’
an’ which is … ‘The Sound of Music’.”
Juliet: “’Romeo an’ Juliet’!!”
Lady Macbeth: “So we were hoping you might be able to go out front an’ find out for us….”
(Cleaner nods and smiles completely without comprehension.)
Juliet: “Look, it’s no good. Let me try. Mrs. W, you know ‘Romeo and Juliet’?” (Cleaner nods vigorously) The
Montagues against the Capulets? A plague on both your houses? (Cleaner shakes her head, smiling happily, all
attention, but mystified) A pair of star-crossed lovers? Look, l’ll show you (Juliet stands or kneels on a chair as a
makeshift balcony, and acts out the next lines….) “Romeo… Romeo… Wherefore art thou Romeo?… That which we
call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet”.
(Cleaner, striving to understand, has a flash of inspiration at the word ‘rose’.)
Cleaner: “Ah!” (Hands mop and bucket to Lady Macbeth, scurries over to dressing table, picks out one of the
plastic daffodils and hands it hopefully to Juliet).
Juliet: “Oh!” (Frustrated and panicky, she flings the daffodil to the floor and stamps on it. Cleaner looks
crestfallen.)
Lady Macbeth: “Look, it’s all right Mrs. W…. (she hands mop and bucket to Juliet, retrieves the crushed daffodil and
tucks it in to Cleaners waistband or lapel, sits her down. Cleaner is slightly mollified.) What my friend meant to say
… I mean, what we need you to go an’ ask is… I mean, can you find out for us whether ‘Macbeth’ is that way
(pointing) or that way? (Clearly, Cleaner does not follow.) Look, you know ‘Macbeth’, don’t you? (Cleaner is blank)
Blasted heath, Banquo’s ghost, When shall we three meet again? (Cleaner still blank) Oh for Heaven’s sake!”
(Lady Macbeth scrabbles through the props at the back, producing a witch’s hat, which she puts on the Cleaner.
She makes Juliet hold up the bucket, then takes up the mop, using the handle to stir the makeshift cauldron.)
“Round about the cauldron go, in the poisoned entrails throw… Double, double, toil and trouble, fire bum and
cauldron bubble!”
Cleaner: (leaps up, terrific inspiration) “Ah!” (Grabs mop and bucket and exits L still wearing hat)
Lady Macbeth: (after a somewhat astonished pause) “At bloody last!”
Juliet: “Well that seemed to do the trick.”
Lady Macbeth: “Let’s hope so.”
Juliet: “Let’s hope she gets a move on an’ all … else we really are up the creek without a paddle…”
(Cleaner, still wearing hat but without mop and bucket enters L beaming triumphantly and carrying two yellow
pots of pot noodles, steaming fragrantly with a spoon stuck in each – clearly her own interpretation of Lady
Macbeth’s mime. Grinning broadly, she bestows one pot on each of the speechless actresses.)
Cleaner: “Hubble bubble, yes? (exits R in triumph)