Archive for May 12, 2020

Tuesday 12th May 2020

Posted in Life the Universe and Other Things on May 12, 2020 by bishshat

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The Virus and the new rules

Deaths in the UK have risen to 32,692 after 627 more fatalities were recorded in the last 24 hours.

Another 3,403 have now tested positive for the virus, meaning 226,463 are now infected in the UK, the Department of Health confirmed.

boris-johnson

4 year olds can go to school, but university students who have paid for the tuition they haven’t had and the accommodation they aren’t living in, can’t go to university.

A teacher can go to school with many 4 year olds that they are not related to, but can’t see one 4 year old that they are related to.

You can sit in a park, but not tomorrow or Tuesday but by Wednesday that’ll be fine.

You can meet one person from another household for a chat or to sunbathe, but not two people so if you know two people from another household you have to pick your favourite. Hopefully, you’re also their favourite person from your household or this could be awkward. But possibly you’re not. But as I can’t go closer than 2m to the one you choose anyway you wouldn’t think having the other one sat next to them would matter – unless two people would restrict your eyeline too much and prevent you from being alert.

You can work all day with your colleagues, but you can’t sit in their garden for a chat after work.

You can now do unlimited exercise when quite frankly just doing an hour a day feels like you are some kind of fitness guru. I can think of lots of things that I would like to be unlimited but exercise definitely isn’t one of them.

You can drive to other destinations, although which destinations is unclear.

The buses are still running past your house, but you shouldn’t get on one. We should just let empty buses drive around so bus drivers aren’t doing nothing.

It will soon be time to quarantine people coming into the country by air… but not yet. It’s too soon. And not ever if you’re coming from France because… well, I don’t know why, actually. Because the French version of coronavirus wouldn’t come to the UK maybe.

Our youngest children go back to school first because… they are notoriously good at not touching things they shouldn’t, maintain personal space at all times and never randomly lick you.

We are somewhere in between 3.5 and 4.5 on a five point scale where 5 is all of the virus and 1 is none of the virus but 2,3 and 4 can be anything you’d like it to be really. Some of the virus? A bit of the virus? Just enough virus to see off those over 70s who were told to self isolate but now we’ve realised that they’ve done that a bit too well despite us offloading coronavirus patients into care homes and now we are claiming that was never said in the first place, even though it’s in writing in the stay at home guidance.

The slogan isn’t stay at home any more, so we don’t have to stay at home. Except we do. Unless we can’t. In which case we should go out. But there will be fines if we break the rules. So don’t do that.

stay-home-stay-alert

Ok can anyone else spot the subliminal message? A subliminal message is a technique used in marketing and other media to influence People without their being Aware of what the messenger is Doing. This may involve the use of split second flashes of text, hidden images, or subtle cues that affect the audience at a level below conscious awareness.

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The Clouds Will Soon Roll 

George Brown / Harry Woods

Elsie Carlisle w Ambrose & his Orch

Night seems darkest just before the dawn,
Just as the daybreak nears.
Soon we’ll see a sunny sky,
It’s time to dry your tears.

Somewhere the sun is shining,
So, honey, don’t you cry!
We’ll find a silver lining,
The clouds will soon roll by.

I hear a robin singing
Upon a treetop high.
To you and me he’s singing,
“The clouds will soon roll by.”

Each little tear and sorrow
Only brings you closer to me.
Just wait until tomorrow,
What a happy day that will be.

Down Lovers Lane together,
We’ll wander, you and I.
Goodbye to stormy weather,
The clouds will soon roll by.

To you and me he’s singing,
“The clouds will soon roll by.”

Each little tear and sorrow
Only brings you closer to me.
Just wait until tomorrow,
What a happy day that will be.

Down Lovers Lane together,
We’ll wander, you and I.
Goodbye to stormy weather,
The clouds will soon roll by.

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Don’t forget…

Stay alert… which Robert Jenrick has explained actually means Stay home as much as possible. Obviously.

Control the virus. Well, I can’t even control my dogs and I can actually see them. Plus I know a bit about dogs and very little about controlling viruses.

Save lives. Always preferable to not saving lives, I’d say, so I’ll try my best with that one, although hopefully I don’t need telling to do that. I know I’m bragging now but not NOT saving lives is something I do every day.

So there you are. If you’re the weirdo wanting unlimited exercise then enjoy. But not until Wednesday. Obviously.

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A Lockdown Breakfast

I was talking to my breakfast this morning
It didn’t say much
No snap
No crackle
Not even a pop
It just sat in the bowl gormless
The man on the packet had that silly grin
Almost mocking me
I had been dreaming of my breakfast
Thinking about my breakfast all night
Thinking about getting up
Pouring on the milk
Sprinkling on the sugar
Anticipating breakfast
How sad is that?
And then when you have eaten it
And it’s all gone no longer in the bowl
What’s the point?
Should I look forward to another one the next day?
The next morning
The same routine
No snap
No crackle
No pop
Am I buying the wrong breakfast?
Am I living the wrong morning?
Orange juice!
That would be nice
Out on a terrace
Overlooking the ocean
Drowning in sunshine
A cool breeze
A continental breakfast
Croissants and apricot jam
Maybe a fizzy drink
Maybe a Buck’s Fizz
Maybe a Prosecco or three
Maybe Champagne
At least talking to your breakfast
Would be acceptable when you’re wobbly
But no it’s a lockdown breakfast
And I will just look forward to my jumbo oats
With no snap
No crackle
And not even a pop.

John Bish 12th May 2020